I haven't expressed this sort of thing
in a really long time, it feels.
Maybe because I used to constantly say what I felt.
Its weird how used to this... new life I've become. Or how I'm just realizing how different its been.
I don't know. Just reading friends blogs and seeing how nearly every post is about how happy or how sad they are made me realize I don't do that very often anymore.
I've become so... introverted. Like, really. I know I thought I was for a long time. But I honestly didn't even know what that felt like.
I'm not complaining. I actually like it. A lot. Its kind of become my identity. Not that I'm a hundred percent on that. But I don't know. I've found a kind of maturity with it. And I rarely find myself mature.
Even my only real complaint can be stifled with it. I wish I had any confidence in myself at all. But with this... "thing"... I don't know. Its almost like I rely on myself so much that that is my confidence. Not me thinking, "Wow. I can def do this. Easy." More like theres no thought. I have to do this. So I do.
Its like being forced away from my closest friends enabled me to do what I always wished I could. Not depend on people. Just me. And I've really learned a lot about myself I didn't know. And a lot about everyone else. Its pretty cool. I sort of miss having super close best friends that I shared everything with but its ok.
The first time I moved, to Laughlin... it was all about family. And worrying about how they saw me. And at the beginning, when I moved to Palm Springs, I was just... sad. So gay. But true. And then I just started, like sort of people watching. More observing than physically staring at people. Just becoming more aware. And I don't know... I'm surprised how different my life is right now. A year ago... I had such different goals. And cared about such stupid, insignifigant shit.
I probably still do but... everything is so much more realistic now.
I doubt this makes any sense to you.
